My Lil' collections of FMLs.

**Belaslav** · 04-07-2009, 04:08 PM

Okay, because this forum does not have Spoiler tags enabled, I'll just say this. Below is a compilation of FMLs that I've found funny, sad, or just plain disgusting. Or a mix of all 3. Read at your own risk. Contains swearing and themes inappropriate for children.

Now gentlemen, strap on your lollerskates...

Today, I lost my cell phone. But found it again! And then dropped it in the toilet. FML

Today, we had some family over. A nasty need to wank seized me when I saw her : my 17 year old cousin. I went to my unoccupied parentsâ€™ bedroom. My sister's baby walkie talkie was on and the whole family heard me. FML

Today, I kissed the girl I love for the first time. Her reaction ? She vomited. FML

Today, my little brother, who is 11, taught me how to make babies. Iâ€™m 15. FML

Today, I was teasing my cat with a piece of string when suddenly my phone rang. I answered it with one hand and put the string down with the other onto my lap. The beast seized the opportunity to spring, claws out, onto my privates. FML

Today, my son happened to have forgotten to log out of MSN. He had written, 'When am I getting out of this place?' and his username was 'mother fucker'. FML

Today, right after sex, my girlfriend apologized to the neighbor for the screaming. He thanked her for the entertainment. FML

Today I was at a restaurant with a girl I like, and as I was getting my wallet out, I dropped a condom. She didn't see anything, and I didn't dare pick it up in case I drew attention to the "object". The waiter walked past, picked up and held it out to me with a huge grin. FML

Today I was in a chatroom, speaking to a girl. We liked each other and got on well. She told me that she had dumped her boyfriend because he was such a bastard. 20 minutes later, we sent each other our photos... it was my ex. FML

Today, after making love to my girlfriend, I realised that the phone was on the bed and because of the movements, it called my dad by itself. It went to voicemail. My dad will soon have all the details. FML

Today while I was out I was having a drink with a pretty girl. She started looking at my crotch and said smilingly â€œthereâ€™s something burning down thereâ€. I smiled, but she insisted. Ashes had set my trousers on fire. FML

Today, when I threw away my cigarette out of the car window, the wind blew it back in again. My trousers got completely burnt. FML

Today, I get to see my boyfriend again after a month. So I decided to shave my pubic hair in the shape of a heart. After my little striptease, he gasped in admiration "Aaaw, Batman sign!" FML

Today, I was performing the classic 69 position with my girlfriend. I wasn't able to control it : I farted right into her nose. FML

Today I was looking for a magazine in my mother's bedside cabinet and I came across some daft test about sex. So: my mother likes anal, oral, and my dad's cock is bent. Nauseous. FML

Today, I heard my next door neighbour screaming as if someone's trying to slice her throat. Her window was open. Intrigued, I go onto my balcony and ask in a loud voice if everything's ok and if she needs anything. Her and her boyfriend shout back in unison: "We're fucking, go away". FML

Today, I was in India. At the airport, the men and women were being searched separately. The guy welcoming us pointed me towards the women's area. I had to explain to him that I was a guy. It took 15 minutes. FML

Today, my two year old girl said "motherfucker". Everyone laughed, even her grandparents. Our family is insane. FML

Today, I discovered that my 15 year old girl had hidden a disgusting porn film in the "future career" folder. FML

Today, on the bus, a young high school boy sat down next to me and started to chat me up. I thought it was cute until he asked me which high school I was attending. I'm 27, I'm married, I have a child. FML

Today, I wanted to wake up my sweetheart by... well, you can guess. It surprised him - I got kneed in the stomach. FML

Today, my wife, in her magnificent wedding dress, had her period during the ceremony. How did I find out? The same way everyone else did. FML

Today, I found the password to my boyfriend's MSN account. I was listed in the "booty call" category. FML

Today, I need to go to the toilet. Thinking that everyone has left work, I decide that, since I AM a jedi, my penis ought to be my Light saber. All of a sudden I hear a familiar voice: â€œAt least someone is having fun!â€ It was my boss. FML

Today, I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came "Forgive me Lord! Forgive me Lord!" FML

Today, I was browsing the internet and I found a picture of my girlfriend on uglypeople.com. FML

Today, I found out who'd been smoking MY weed in MY room. It wasn't my little brother. It was my parents. FML

Today, I was quietly having a bath when I felt something fall onto my shoulder blade. I glanced over my shoulder and made out the enormous black legs of a spider. I screamed and slapped my back: nothing happened. Completely hysterical, I threw myself violently against a wall. It was my hair. FML

Today, I went swimming. While I was walking along side of the pool, everyone was staring at me. I began to think that my diet was really working. It was only an hour later, in the changing rooms, that I noticed the string from my Tampax that was sticking out of my swimming costume. FML

Today, while kissing my girlfriend's neck, I sneezed a blob of snot onto her. She told me that "it doesn't matter", while hiccuping a bit of vomit. FML

Today, I walked past a church with a bunch of people standing outside waiting for the bride and groom to walk out. When the church doors opened, I yelled congratulations as loud as I could. It was a funeral. FML

Today, while showering, my 3 year old son comes to the bathroom and puts on all my makeup. Once I got out of the shower, I got a camera I had and took a few adorable shots. Afterward, I sent the images to all my friends and family. Then I realized the reflection on the mirror was me fully naked. FML

Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my porn stash. However, the folder was empty except for my favourite file. Thinking that a virus deleted everything, I was thankful my favourite file remained. When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling me not to masturbate. FML

Today, my boyfriend turned 21 and got drunk at a bar. Being sober, I went through the whole ordeal: calling a cab, carrying him up three flights of stairs, helping him by the toilet, and taking him to bed. Just when I'm about to sleep, he gets up, pushes his shorts down, and pees on me. Twice. FML

**Belaslav** · 04-07-2009, 04:08 PM

Today, I forgot my weed on the kitchen counter before leaving for school. My parents surprised me by coming home a day early from their vacation. My mom had mistaken it for parsley, and it is now on top of my pasta. FML

Today, I filled out a political survey for a psychology experiment. A really cute girl was doing it, too. We hit it off and flirted through the surveys, and I asked her out when it was done. Then I found out it was really an attraction experiment and she was in on it. She was acting. FML

Today, my friends were being rude to me, so I decided to be nice to a boy that didn't have many friends. While I was talking to him he popped a pimple on his face and tasted it and offered some to me. FML

Today I was at my job as a shift manager at a fast food restaurant. Our company policy states that all employees must be clean shaven before coming to work. My boss told me that I had to inform one of the employees, Kris, that they had to shave before they could clock in. Kris is a woman. FML

Today, I was on MSN with my friend and my 9 year old brother. My friend asked me for some advice about how to give a guy a good blowjob. I went into great detail, and then realised that I had typed it to the wrong window. I gave my little brother tips on how to perform fellatio. FML

Today, I finally convinced my husband of 8 years to partake in a threesome with a guy that works with me and for which I have developed feelings. Everything was going well until in the heat of the moment my husband started performing oral sex on my colleague. I can't face either of them now. FML

Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "because you can't find a real girl I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML

Today, I decided to take a nap. My boyfriend gave me some sleeping pills but I decided last minute not to take them. I woke up to my boyfriend kissing my neck and unbuttoning my shirt. Without opening my eyes, I whispered "ooh this is so romantic." He blurted out shocked, "Oh...you're awake?!" FML

Today, I was called by my 9 year old son's teacher. He had handcuffed himslef to his desk with handcuffs he found in my room. I was told to please bring in the key and not to leave my sex toys out where a child could get them. I am a cop. FML

Today, I fell asleep in class. As a joke, my professor used an airhorn to wake me up. I got so freaked out that I punched the girl next to me in the face. She got knocked out. FML

Today, I was at a club with my girlfriend of only two weeks. As we were dancing, another woman grabbed my ass from behind me and squeezed. I yelped and turned around to see my mother as the culprit. My girlfriend punched her. I found out my mother is a Cougar and my girl has a mean right hook. FML

Today, my teenage stepdaughters, as a punishment for refusing to buy them iphones, told my wife they saw me in town kissing an attractive blonde and grabbing her ass (all invented). She believed it and i'm single. I've been faithful and feeding the whole family for 10 years. FML

Today, when I walked into work all of my co-workers were giggling and asking "How was YOUR night last night?". Last night I had sex for the first time with someone I'm seeing secretly (with good reason). That person is my boss. He told everyone. FML

Today, my crush and I were hooking up and as he slipped his hands up my shirt in order to "feel me up" he started rubbing around my whole torso. When I asked him what he was doing he replied "well I was looking for your boobs but apparently you have none" FML

Today, my mother and I walked past my boyfriend, whom she's never met. After we casually greeted each other and went on our way my mother says, "He's cute. Who is he?" I paused for a second and replied, "That's my boyfriend." She then asks, "Does he know that?" FML

Today, I got my laptop back after sending it to Dell to repair water damage after a night of partying. Dell returned my computer unrepaired, saying it was unfixable. When I called to ask why they couldn't fix it, they told me it was a biohazard. Someone got drunk and pissed on my laptop. FML

Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML

Today, my little 7 year old brother asked me what horny meant whilst in the car with my parents. When I wouldn't tell him what it meant he proceeded to scream, "I'm getting horny!" at the top of his lungs, and told my parents that I told him to say it. FML

Today, I went to the mall with my mom. We were in American Eagle shopping for spring clothes, when a few good looking guys walked by and whistled at me. I smiled at them. They were checking out my mom, not me. FML

Today, I came out to my mom. I had an epic speech planned, and when I tried to tell her, it all fell apart and I started crying and just said, "I'm gay." After a few seconds silence, my mom sighs and says, "Duh." FML

Today, I was playing Xbox live with my boyfriend. I was bored so I decided to mess around. So I put down my remote and unbuttoned his pants. Two minutes in he said, "Hurry up, we're getting killed without you. Besides you're way better at video games." FML

Today, I was setting up my laptop's fingerprint scanner. It worked, but in the name of science, I decided to put my penis on it to see if it could recognize it. When I was trying to login via my penis print, my mom walked in. FML

Today, I went into my older brother's room to get a condom. This happened the other day too when my boyfriend forgot one. So I went in there today and there was a note that said "Little Sister, stop using my condoms. And your boyfriend sounds like a girl when he climaxes." FML

Today, after sex with my girlfriend, I thought it would be sexy to wear her underwear until we saw each other again. I found a pair in her bathroom, but they definitely weren't her sexy ones. Her mom walked in on me to collect the laundry and screeched "What are you doing with my panties!" FML

Today, I decided to have sex for the first time with my boyfriend. It was his first time too. While in bed, he blankly stopped and stood up and got out a piece of paper from his pockets. Turns out, he had written instructions on what to do while in bed, and forgot what he had to do next. FML

Today, I walked in on my elderly great-great aunt sitting on her recliner in the living room. There was porn on the TV. Thinking that this was an accidental channel change, I asked, "What in the world are you watching!?" She replied in her sweet frail voice, "Two lesbians getting it on!" FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe." FML

Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML

**A_Forever** · 04-07-2009, 04:15 PM

Little? What lies.

/doesn'tread

**cillia** · 04-07-2009, 05:29 PM

Originally Posted by A_Forever

Little? What lies.

/doesn'tread

.

XD

**Belaslav** · 04-07-2009, 07:02 PM

Well, it's little compared to the whole FML site. And the last one is the most hilarious IMO.

**Leesa** · 04-07-2009, 07:31 PM

LOL XD Gawd I should go to that site when I'm bored.

**Hraesvelg** · 04-07-2009, 07:49 PM

Quote:

Today, I get to see my boyfriend again after a month. So I decided to shave my pubic hair in the shape of a heart. After my little striptease, he gasped in admiration "Aaaw, Batman sign!" FML

She should have just agreed and scored major points with him. A heart? Yeah, kinda corny. Batman? Awesome.

**Blaaaaaaaah** · 04-07-2009, 07:51 PM

LOL I read all of that... xD

srabble031 · 04-07-2009, 08:50 PM

What is FML? o.o

D:

**A_Forever** · 04-07-2009, 08:50 PM

Fuck My Life.