English again =/

[booyah8876]

This one may not be so good...

but it has nothing to do with sex, so maybe you can all calm down a little.

Thanks ;D
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~+

The two faces of love
Are as easy as this
It's the best feeling in the world
And the one you'll never miss
You'll always have someone to hold
Idealistic views of happiness

From the beginning you'll never see
The flaws you do ignore
Until they're just too obvious
They knock upon your door
At once the thoughts flood your mind:
"Is he with me, or with another whore?"

It all starts to fall apart one at a time
Like a row of deadly dominoes
Fear, doubt, hatred, jealousy, regret, paranoia
The life now full of woes
A strike into the center of your memory-
'I can't help it, this love endlessly grows!'-

One day you take the time
to reminisce upon the days of golden joy
When you laughed, lived, loved
Knocked upon the gates of Troy
You knew that you would make it
Despite others saying your soul he would destroy.

The light shines and you can see clear
What you have to do
Give him another shot
You show him you find your love to be true
After all no proof of him being wrong
Maybe it was just you?

A valuable lesson you just realized
Among your poisons you will have to pick
You swore to love him forever
Whether he is healthy or he's sick
Everyone has his or her flaws
Learning which ones you can live with is the trick.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So yeah... I get to make that poem into a movie ._.

I wish I had longer than a day to write it and make the movie...

I bet I could've made that poem better =/

[Triumph]

Written from a female's perspective?

[Belaslav]

Probably yes, cause otherwise... scary.

[booyah8876]

I guess so...

I never meant for it to start that way...

then again...

I'm kinda like a kitchen door...

swingin' both ways.

But I'm not implying that D:

Just yeah.

Go from a female's perspective >.<;

[Belaslav]

Transvestite?

[booyah8876]

Transvestite = Male Tomboy.

Eddie Izzard does a fine job of explaining it.

But nö.

For some reason... while writing this...

"he" came out easier for me than "her"

>.>;

[Triumph]

Time to critique, methinks. I don't know if you're the type to take offense to criticism, but I'll still offer my opinion.

The two faces of love
Are as easy as this
It's the best feeling in the world
And the one you'll never miss
You'll always have someone to hold
Idealistic views of happiness.

Maybe it is my personal preference, but I dislike the use of contractions in a literary work. It seems too colloquial, and I would suggest removing them. However, it appears you're using iambic pentameter. Up to you at this point.

From the beginning you'll never see
The flaws you do ignore
Until they're just too obvious
They knock upon your door
At once the thoughts flood your mind:
"Is he with me, or with another whore?"

Again, the contractions.

It all starts to fall apart one at a time
Like a row of deadly dominoes
Fear, doubt, hatred, jealousy, regret, paranoia
The life now full of woes
A strike into the center of your memory-
'I can't help it, this love endlessly grows!'-

Perhaps you should restructure the third line to incorporate gradatio. For instance, paranoia is the weakest emotion here, and hatred is the strongest. Perhaps "paranoia, regret, doubt, fear, jealousy, hatred" or something? It's an opinion at this point.

One day you take the time
to reminisce upon the days of golden joy
When you laughed, lived, loved
Knocked upon the gates of Troy
You knew that you would make it
Despite the other people saying your soul he would destroy.

Last line: there is no grammatical error with "the other people," but simply "others" may be a better choice here? Perhaps a synonym for "saying" instead; again, colloquialism.

The light shines and you can see clear
What you have to do
Give him another shot
You show him you find your love to be true
After all no proof of him being wrong
Maybe it was just you?

Third line: "shot" sounds out of place, as it is colloquial. Yes, I criticize colloquialism thoroughly in literary works. To me it sounds uncouth, ah well.

A valuable lesson you just realized
Among your poisons you will have to pick
You swore to love him forever
Whether he is healthy or he's sick
Everyone has their flaws
Learning which ones you can live with is the trick.

Contractions once again. Also, a grammatical error in the penultimate line: everyone has his or her flaws, as "everyone" is a singular term.

[Ivramire]

I remember doing stuff like that^ in High-School.


You brought up some bad memories -__-

[booyah8876]

Time to critique, methinks. I don't know if you're the type to take offense to criticism, but I'll still offer my opinion.

Always! =D Go for it

Maybe it is my personal preference, but I dislike the use of contractions in a literary work. It seems too colloquial, and I would suggest removing them. However, it appears you're using iambic pentameter. Up to you at this point.

._.
If you wish to see iambic pentameter go look in my other English Poem thread... or the dictionary.
Iambic = not here.

Perhaps you should restructure the third line to incorporate gradatio. For instance, paranoia is the weakest emotion here, and hatred is the strongest. Perhaps "paranoia, regret, doubt, fear, jealousy, hatred" or something? It's an opinion at this point.

When you're going through the times of heartache, you don't gradually go up in scale of weakest to strongest emotions, you're shot, and I was just reflecting upon personal experiences. =/

Last line: there is no grammatical error with "the other people," but simply "others" may be a better choice here? Perhaps a synonym for "saying" instead; again, colloquialism.

I need to shorten things. Simple as that. =)

Third line: "shot" sounds out of place, as it is colloquial. Yes, I criticize colloquialism thoroughly in literary works. To me it sounds uncouth, ah well.

That line was more of a thought, not a part of the narrative aspect. No one thinks whether or not they sound colloquial.
Maybe that means indicate it's a thought ._.

Contractions once again. Also, a grammatical error in the penultimate line: everyone has his or her flaws, as "everyone" is a singular term.

My English teacher would probably dock me for points if I didn't change it.
*fixed*

Thanks =D

EDIT:

Movie!!!

The Two Faces of Love

(When it's done processing, the movie will appear. For now I'm sleeping.

zombie mode ._.

[beijmanli]

-edited-