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Needs more Jon Lajoie.
It was late at night on Christmas Eve
I was dreaming of the soft white snow
I was awoken by a noise near the Christmas tree
What it was I did not know
It was Santa Claus he was bringing me some gifts
Unfortunately I did not know that
So I quietly snuck up behind him
And I shot him five times in the back
It went POW POW...
He said: "What the fuck?" OW OW OW
Then I shot him 3 more times in the head
Pieces of his brain flew out and he was dead
That's when I noticed his blood-soaked beard
And his red suit filled with bullet holes (uh oh)
I said "Oh my god I killed Santa Claus
I'm not going to jail for this asshole"
So I went to my shed and I got my saw
And I started to choppedy chop chop
I started with his arms then his legs then his head
And then the torso was a really long job
And the blood went spurt spurt spurt
It was really hard work work work
It was hard cutting through his spine
I must have vomited sixteen times
I burned all the pieces in my fireplace
The smell of burning human flesh filled my nose
11 hours later there was nothing left
And that's when I heard my telephone
It was Aunty Jean looking for Uncle Bob
She said he left the house dressed as Santa Claus
But he didn't come home last night
Have you seen him? God, I hope he's alright.
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