|
Quote:
|
|
Time to critique, methinks. I don't know if you're the type to take offense to criticism, but I'll still offer my opinion.
|
Always! =D Go for it
|
Quote:
|
|
Maybe it is my personal preference, but I dislike the use of contractions in a literary work. It seems too colloquial, and I would suggest removing them. However, it appears you're using iambic pentameter. Up to you at this point.
|
._.
If you wish to see iambic pentameter go look in my other English Poem thread... or the dictionary.
Iambic = not here.
|
Quote:
|
|
Perhaps you should restructure the third line to incorporate gradatio. For instance, paranoia is the weakest emotion here, and hatred is the strongest. Perhaps "paranoia, regret, doubt, fear, jealousy, hatred" or something? It's an opinion at this point.
|
When you're going through the times of heartache, you don't gradually go up in scale of weakest to strongest emotions, you're shot, and I was just reflecting upon personal experiences. =/
|
Quote:
|
|
Last line: there is no grammatical error with "the other people," but simply "others" may be a better choice here? Perhaps a synonym for "saying" instead; again, colloquialism.
|
I need to shorten things. Simple as that. =)
|
Quote:
|
|
Third line: "shot" sounds out of place, as it is colloquial. Yes, I criticize colloquialism thoroughly in literary works. To me it sounds uncouth, ah well.
|
That line was more of a thought, not a part of the narrative aspect. No one thinks whether or not they sound colloquial.
Maybe that means indicate it's a thought ._.
|
Quote:
|
|
Contractions once again. Also, a grammatical error in the penultimate line: everyone has his or her flaws, as "everyone" is a singular term.
|
My English teacher would probably dock me for points if I didn't change it.
*fixed*
Thanks =D
EDIT:
Movie!!!
(When it's done processing, the movie will appear. For now I'm sleeping.
zombie mode ._.