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Old 05-21-2008, 10:54 PM   #7
Triumph
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Time to critique, methinks. I don't know if you're the type to take offense to criticism, but I'll still offer my opinion.

Originally Posted by booyah8876 View Post
The two faces of love
Are as easy as this
It's the best feeling in the world
And the one you'll never miss
You'll always have someone to hold
Idealistic views of happiness.
Maybe it is my personal preference, but I dislike the use of contractions in a literary work. It seems too colloquial, and I would suggest removing them. However, it appears you're using iambic pentameter. Up to you at this point.

Originally Posted by booyah8876 View Post
From the beginning you'll never see
The flaws you do ignore
Until they're just too obvious
They knock upon your door
At once the thoughts flood your mind:
"Is he with me, or with another whore?"
Again, the contractions.

Originally Posted by booyah8876 View Post
It all starts to fall apart one at a time
Like a row of deadly dominoes
Fear, doubt, hatred, jealousy, regret, paranoia
The life now full of woes
A strike into the center of your memory-
'I can't help it, this love endlessly grows!'-
Perhaps you should restructure the third line to incorporate gradatio. For instance, paranoia is the weakest emotion here, and hatred is the strongest. Perhaps "paranoia, regret, doubt, fear, jealousy, hatred" or something? It's an opinion at this point.

Originally Posted by booyah8876 View Post
One day you take the time
to reminisce upon the days of golden joy
When you laughed, lived, loved
Knocked upon the gates of Troy
You knew that you would make it
Despite the other people saying your soul he would destroy.
Last line: there is no grammatical error with "the other people," but simply "others" may be a better choice here? Perhaps a synonym for "saying" instead; again, colloquialism.

Originally Posted by booyah8876 View Post
The light shines and you can see clear
What you have to do
Give him another shot
You show him you find your love to be true
After all no proof of him being wrong
Maybe it was just you?
Third line: "shot" sounds out of place, as it is colloquial. Yes, I criticize colloquialism thoroughly in literary works. To me it sounds uncouth, ah well.

Originally Posted by booyah8876 View Post
A valuable lesson you just realized
Among your poisons you will have to pick
You swore to love him forever
Whether he is healthy or he's sick
Everyone has their flaws
Learning which ones you can live with is the trick.
Contractions once again. Also, a grammatical error in the penultimate line: everyone has his or her flaws, as "everyone" is a singular term.
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