Anyone have CHUCK NORRIS jokes?
 

Went to borders and read a book about CHUCK NORRIS. Here's some:

After being denied of getting a McGriddle at McDonalds because it was 10:01, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked McDonalds so hard, it became a Wendy's.

If you have one dollar and Chuck Norris has one dollar, Chuck Norris has more money that you.

Chuck Norris taught his dog to clean after himself because Chuck Norris does not take s**t from anything else.

The famous...

Inside Chuck Norris's beard, there is no chin, only another fist.

lol.

I just remembered one:

Chuck Norris' tears heal cancer... too bad he never cries.

haha! :D
damn i knew a lot but i can't remember any of them :(

Yeah, I used to know acouple.

Now what show what Chuck Norris on?

I forgot o.o

LOOOOOOOOL.

Little kids check their closets for Boogeyman. Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Jesus walks on water, Chuck Norris walks on Jesus?

ha classic

Facts About Chuck Norris
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter, he grew a beard.
3. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
6. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't @#%$ with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
8. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick-related deaths.
9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
10. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
11. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
12. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
13. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
14. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
15. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
16. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
17. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and @#%$ on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
18.too rude to post
19. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
20. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
21. Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.
22. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more humane.
23. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the @#%$ out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
24. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the @#%$ out of little kids.
25. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
26. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
27. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
28. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
29. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
30. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the %&@$ down.

Chuck Norris doesn't do pushups...He pushes the world down.

31. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
32. Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.
33. When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
34. Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.
35. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
36.another to rude to post
37. There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks. 38. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
39. If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
40. Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
41. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
42. If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
43. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
44. Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “Always leave things the way you found em!”
45. Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
46. Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s $#*@.
47. Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
48. Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.
49.waaaay to rude to post
50. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
51. Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
52. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then trank three kegs and &%#@ on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
53. Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
54. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
55. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
56. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

wenn chuck norris niest sagt er nicht "hatschii" sondern "sterbt alle" denn das ist was als nächstes passiert

Mc Guyver kann Waffen basteln, aber Chuck Norris kann Mc Guyver mit einem Roundhouse-Kick töten und sie ihm wegnehmen.

Chuck Norris spendet regelmäßig Blut, aber nie sein eigenes...

Chuck Norris hat keine Uhr. Er bestimmt selbst wie spät es ist.

Eines Tages beschloss Chuk Norris in den Himmel zu sehen, darauf hinn fingen die Wolken an zu schwitzen.... So wurde der Regen erfunden.

Es gibt feindliche Alliens! Doch solange wie Chuk Norris lebt werden sie sich nicht hier her trauen.

Der Film “Alien vs Predator” sollte eigentlich “Alien vs Predator vs Chuck Norris“ heißen, allerdings wurde das Projekt überarbeitet, weil niemand 10 $ für einen 14 Sekundenfilm ausgeben wollte.

Chuck Norris war nur einmal im Ausland - und mit den Folgen kämpft Tschernobyl immernoch.

Eigentlich war Chuck Norris der vierte heilige König. Er schenkte dem kleinen Jesus einen Bart, den dieser trug bis er starb. Die anderen drei heiligen Könige waren sauer, weil Chucks Geschenk so gut ankam. Aus diesem Grunde sorgten sie dafür das Chuck Norris aus der Bibel gestrichen wurde, kurz danach starben alle drei heiligen Könige an mysteriösen Verletzungen durch Roundhouse-Kicks.

Wenn man es nutzen könnte, könnte die Power eines Chuck Norris-Roundhouse-Kicks, die ganze USA für 44 Minuten mit Energie versorgen

Ein Blinder ist Chuck Norris auf den Fuss getreten, Chuck sagte: Weist du nicht wer ich bin? Ich bin Chuck Norris! Die Erwaehnung seines Namens heilte den Blinden. Leider war die erste, letzte und einzige Sache die der Mann jemals sah, ein toedlicher Roundhouse-Kick von Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ist vor 10 Jahren gestorben. Der TOD hatte bis jetzt nur noch nicht den Mut es ihm zu sagen.

Chuck Norris hatt 2 Geschwindigkeiten - gehen und töten

Chuck Norris kann durch Null teilen!

Wenn Chuck Norris springt, kommt er niemals höher. Die erde bewegt sich durch die enorme kraft nur weiter von ihm weg.

In einem normalen, durchschnittlichen Wohnzimmer gibt es 1242 Dinge, die Chuck Norris benutzen kann um dich zu töten, den Raum selbst mit eingeschlossen

chuck norris kann eine drehtür zuschlagen

Als Chuck Norris auf die welt kam hat nur einer geweint... die Hebamme. NIEMAND SCHLÄGT CHUCK NORRIS!!!!!

chuck norris kann eine 5minuten terrine in 30 sekunden machen

chuck norris schläft bei licht, nicht weil er angst vor der dunkelheit hat sondern weil die dunkelheit angst vor ihm hat.

chuck norris liest keine bücher er starrt sie so lange an bis sie ihm freiwillig sagen was er wissen will.

chuck norris hat bis unendlich gezählt. schon zwei mal!

Wenn Chuck Norris rennt, bewegt er sich nicht auf der Erde. Er dreht die Erde unter seinen füßen so das sie sich schneller um sich selber dreht.

Wenn Chuck Norris Liegestützen macht, drückt er nicht sich hoch, sondern die Erde runter.

Wir leben in einem sich ausdehnenden Universum. Alles versucht sich so weit wie möglich von Chuck Norris zu entfernen.

Wenn Chuck Norris Drogen nimmt, wird er nicht drogenabhängig – die Drogen werden Chuck-Norris-abhängig.

Wenn Chuck Norris mit einem Mann schläft, liegt das nicht daran, dass er schwul ist, sondern daran, dass ihm die Frauen ausgegangen sind.

Chuck Norris putzt keine Zähne, die Zähne putzen Chuck Norris.

Wenn du Chuck Norris fragst, wie spät es ist, sagt er immer: „2 Sekunden davor…“. Wenn du dann fragst: „Noch 2 Sekunden bis was?“ verpasst er dir einen Roundhouse-Kick in die Fresse und sagt: „2 Sekunden danach.“

Chuck Norris krempelt Noppenkondome um, bevor er sie benutzt, damit ER den Spaß daran hat.

Es gibt kein Kinn hinter Chuck Norris’ Bart, nur NOCH eine Faust.

xD

These are the only semi-original ones I could find D:

but.....but.....booyah, the..the...language :O
water you saying?

:gasp: :tongue:

- When Chuck Norris sneezes, he doesn't say "Hatchoo" rather "Everyone die"... then that's what happens next.

- McGuyver can craft weapons, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick McGuyver and take them away.

- Chuck Norris sometimes bleeds... but never his own blood.

- Chuck Norris doesn't have a clock... he tells himself what time it is.

- The Film "Alien Vs Predator" was really originally called "Alien Vs Predator Vs Chuck Norris" but no one wanted to pay 10$ for a 14 second film.

- If you could contain the power of Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kicks... they could power the entire USA for 44 minutes.

- A blind guy walking on the street met Chuck Norris, Chuck asked the guy, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The sound of his name made the man able to see again. The first, last, and only thing the guy ever saw was a deadly Roundhouse kick.

- Chuck Norris really died 10 years ago. Death doesn't have the courage to tell him.

- Chuck Norris can divide by 0

- In a normal room, there are 1242 things that Chuck Norris can use to kill you... including the room itself.

- Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

- When Chuck Norris was born, only one person cried... the midwife. NO ONE HITS CHUCK NORRIS!

- Chuck Norris can make a 30 Minute Terrine in 5 Minutes.

- When Chuck Norris runs, he doesn't push himself forwards on the Earth, he stands still, and pushes the Earth under his feet.

- We live in a self-improving universe... everyone tries as hard as they can to be just like Chuck Norris.

- When Chuck Norris takes drugs, he doesn't get a drug-hangover... drugs get a Chuck Norris-hangover.

- Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth... teeth brush their Chuck Norris.

- Whenever you ask Chuck Norris for the time, he'll always say "2 Seconds before". If you ask him "2 seconds before what?" He'll roundhouse kick you in the face and say, "2 Seconds after."

Those are the ones I like :p

:err: